“Yes! That was me around 5 Years Ago…"

Have any of you ever gone joined an online Dating website? I’m sure I’m not the only one who has tried it out after so many unsuccessful dates and a pitiable love-life… I’m not one to complain but… the girl I met on this date was the reason why you should never trust online dating.

After a few days of enjoyable conversation, we decided that we should go out for drinks at a local pub. I didn’t expect much but from her profile photo, she seemed to be pretty attractive and her interests were pretty similar to mine… Thing is… in our numerous conversations, I never paid much attention to the tense of the word she was using in text when describing these interests. I was just glad to have an interesting girl to talk to about the adrenaline filled pleasure that sports and activity always brought… Yes… I felt as if I had finally met a girl who was willing to go skydiving, rock-climbing, canoeing, etcetera… 

Now… I sat on one of the tables outside the bar and waited with a Sprite in hand for my date to arrive. I kept a look out for the young, curly haired blonde; a few minutes staring in one direction, a few minutes in the other direction.

About an hour later past our meeting time, I began to wonder whether I had mistaken the time of our encounter. I quickly sent her a message from the online dating service and I received a reply in less than a minute later. She had been sitting for an hour inside the bar anticipating my arrival.

When I had entered earlier, there hadn't been any women present. I responded curtly that I was waiting outside at the table in the furthest corner. A few moments later, I heard her call my name. I turned round and met my date.

I suddenly realised why the constant use of the past tense regarding her activities were now coming to light. In front of me was the same girl who had doubled in size. Her neck was as thick a tree trunk and her facial features were barely recognisable. The first words that escaped my lips were not “Hi!” or “How are you?”, rather “You don’t look anything like your picture. How old is the photo?” She blushed and answered, “Yes! That was me around 5 years ago… You look better than on your profile. I was expecting worse considering the number of men I’ve met that look so good on their profiles.”

(I wondered how many men had been misled by her profile… Later on, I would find out that there too many to count…)

I nodded slowly. I kind of understood why these men had suddenly turned tail and ran. I decided to give her a chance but I quickly noticed that her Online Dating Profile had failed to mention her passive aggressive stance towards men in general… or the fact that she absolutely believed that men were incapable of non-sexual thoughts… I shuffled uncomfortably in my seat before ordering a cider – I was hoping that the bitter taste of apple alcohol would take my mind off the verbal lashing I received as part of the male race.

Throughout the second part of her conversation she described how men were, (and I quote) “chauvinistic pigs with no sentiment or regard for a woman’s feelings.” This was abruptly followed by a constant whine on how woman have a higher intelligence and better capabilities than men. I calmly sat down throughout that evening, occasionally providing input, but eventually I must have zoned out and just nodded instead of responding. It wasn’t until several hours later and she had consumed enough alcohol to kill a buffalo that I managed to extricate myself from my predicament.

As I prepared to leave, she began sobbing and moaning that, “You are the only one who listens to me!” I turned round, half expecting someone to be behind me. “Let me give you my number, call me as soon as you can!” I quickly tapped out her number as she droned on; then I reached the name section. Unfortunately, my mind had become so hazy during the last couple of hours that her name had eluded me. I asked her to spell it out for me and she stared daggers at me. “It’s M-I-C!”

Being a guy who feels ashamed to forget names and people, this was one that I was all too happy to have forgotten.