Depressed much!

Being who I am... I never have gotten depressed or sad for longer than a week... Its not because I have thick skin but because I can compartmentalise everything. I learnt to do that thanks to an event when I was younger.

My friends normally describe me with 3 main adjectives: LOUD, HAPPY and ENERGETIC! And Bless their tiny hearts... They're not wrong... I am... My nicknames have ranged from "Monks" for climbing on trees to "Volume" for being loud and "Livewire" for being constantly in form and a tiny power-station by myself. They once joked that I was Powerman!

I went on a date with a girl that I met at a party... (I say girl cause she's 19 and I was 3 years older than her at the time) and planned a spectacular evening for her... (albeit to be honest... I actually wanted to do most of the stuff anyway - she was kind of in it for the ride...)

We started the afternoon off at badger carting and had a lot of fun. She crashed into the tyres so many time... that I lost count and the cart was probably a wreck by the end of it.

It continued to a Karaoke Bar where I had the pleasure of singing the one sing I actually know how to sing - All-star by Smash Mouth! She sang like a body builder on steroids... I felt our glasses shake on the table with the resonance.

The end of the night was at a pub just off the main road. We sat down and relaxed... My back was aching and she was just complaining non-stop about her feet.

AS we walked back to my car and sat down... She turned towards me and said with all seriousness in her voice: "Why are you depressed? You look like you are pretending to enjoy everything!" Being a patient man... I said "WHAT?" TO which she repeated the exact same sentence...

Now as I said! I'm the Happiest guy that you can imagine and no one can take that away from me. That being said, I was extremely offended at her accusation... Almost like defendant in a suits episode... I'm worse than the guy below!

She lived less than 500m but I was still INITIALLY going to drop her off home...

I asked her... "Listen... Can you fix my mirror, please? Its crooked."

She looked at me questioningly... And I repeated the same phrase again but added, "It can only be done form the outside."

She got out of the car and tried fixing it.

I pulled the door shut saying that I couldn't "see the mirror otherwise" and as she backed away...

I SPED OFF!!! IN A CLOUD OF DUST AND INTO THE DARKNESS!!!

YES, I KNOW THAT IT WASN"T A NICE THING TO DO!!! BUT I'M HAPPY AND NO ONE EVER, EVER CALLS ME DEPRESSED!!!

Wine Bar Fiasco

Wine... Everyone has their own preference of that luscious red, white or rose coloured grape juice. The bitterness... The sweetness... The aroma... The tangy taste of fruits or maybe the hints of nut... 

I ask all of the Wine drinkers out there, what is more fun than a bar? The answer is plain and simple... A FREE Wine-Bar!

Not so long ago, I remember picking up a girl who lived on the sea-side... The park on one side and a water-polo pitch on the other... She was dressed in a long red cocktail dress and me? In a two piece grey suit with a scarlett tissue in the upper left hand pocket. We matched well. She wore this bright red lipstick that left arks everywhere she bumped into... Yep... She was wearing heels...

The one item that ladies everywhere force themselves to wear for the sake of height and beauty...

Now ladies, don't say you wear them for us... We are wearing them with you! We moan that you complain they hurt... We moan that we have to leave the party early cause your feet hurt... We moan that we have to stay sitting down just so that you can feel comfortable and pretend that your heels are like Cinderella's glass Slippers! 

I used to have to keep a pair of flats in the car, just in case your feet would hurt after a period of wearing them... 

So anyway! The love for heels rages on! 

My friend was hosting a Wine Bar in his Villa. It was nicely decorated and there were around 200-300 people there; most of whom I knew. So the socialisation aspect was definitely there. I mean... I never expected anything... We talked about the good old days :D - I felt like a 90 year old sod with them.

To continue, after introducing her to them, she went hunting for wine... Almost like a cougar on the prowl for a nice target. 

I heard a scream and turned around... She had surprised one of the waiters and tipped some red wine on his jacket, anyway...

She came back less than 10 minutes later with three empty wine glasses and another one in her hand for me. I'm not the greatest fan of wine but I love to cook with it and just taste a bit of it.

IT was nice... gentle and refreshing....

The night continued to pass and the same cycle repeated itself... She would stick to the shadows and follow a waiter... Steal a glass of wine... Gulp it down and come back to my side... Almost like a pet who has misbehaved...

By midnight... I had to leave... Not because it ended... but due to the fact that she was drunk as a skunk and falling everywhere... Her dress was soaked with water... Apparently... some time during the night, she had managed to fall into the fountain and give herself a good spray... -.-'

The host, his wife, my old team-mate and I had to carry her into the car and figure out a way for her to not:

               1. Throw-up 

               2. Make a complete ass of myself

               3. See her again...

Those three conditions were satisfied in due course thanks to her own stupidity... 

When she drinks, she forgets the night before... The next morning, she asked whether we had met... I 

said "Us? Noooooooo!" She thought she had met her friends and gone drinking instead... 

By the end... I was happy that I would never have to date her again... Drunken or sober!!!

"English? What dat?"

Who here likes foreign women? I do... along with the rest of the male population... It is hard-wired into us to like attractive women... Even more so when its a girl wjo is exactly your type... Regardless of their nationality!

Now! What about cartoons? More specifically... Anime? I'm sure that my generation of guys, have watched at least 1 anime in their life. Something like Sailor Moon, Death note, Fullmetal Alchemist, Bleach, Naruto, ghost in the Shell, One Piece, Neon Genesis, Toradora! or some other anime!

Any guy who likes anime, has thought about dating an anime girl at least once in their lives!

So anyway... My Japanese friend set me up on a date with a girl-friend of hers. One thing she forgot to mention when we met was... She doesn't speak English... Yeah...

Well... Yeah... Again... English is a very... important language to use... Especially if you are on a date...

We introduced ourselves using sign language, gestures and a lot of King Kong style movements.

Have you ever tried asking "How are you?", "What do you do?" or "Where do you live?" in signs? Try it and see whether anyone ever understands you...

For "How are you?", I pointed at myself and gave a thumbs up, then I pointed at her... She gave me an incredulous look... I tried "Where do you live?", I waved in the air and pointed at the floor, saying Malta then at myself... I then pointed at her... "What do you do?" was the cherry on the cake... I waved at her and pointed at myself making swimming and angry gestures... She thought I was getting angry at her...

A BRAINWAVE SURGED AND I SWITCHED ON GOOGLE TRANSLATE! Pity that the voice read it with a feminine voice -.-'...

It was one of the funniest dates I ever had. We went for drinks to a nearby bar and whilst ordering I had to use Google translate to ask her what she wanted...

SHE ANSWERED BACK IN ENGLISH (with her Hi-tech phone) USING MICROSOFT SAM.

This lasted more than 4 hours of trading broken Japanese phrases with Microsoft Sam... I'm sure that whoever noticed us... was just a t a lost for words... How could you describe it in any other way...

She was a huge fan of anime - especially Bleach! She decided to liken me to Kaname Tosen! 

At the end of the night, I walked her back to her residence and Microsoft Sam told me that she would "love to meet again". Google Translate answered her back that "Maybe, we would!"

We didn't!!! Xd

The Penny Pincher

When I was almost two years single (WOW!), I had an unforgettable date with a lovely (I use the term loosely) and positive (term used even more loosely) lady (yeah... yeah... I know what you are all thinking xd). 

But rather than just tell you that it went horribly wrong, I'll let you make your own judgements...

All of us have been on that spectacular first date with a person... Everything is perfect... Her dress flutters briskly... Your shirt is crisp... She smells like Chanel vanilla... Him, like a Borneo... The situation seems like it is the ideal dating situation, till everything falls apart like a deck of perfectly balanced cards. 

This situation can only be exacerbated when the woman acts like a female version of Mr. Krab from Spongebob....

It was a nice chilly afternoon, the sun was setting and the last rays of light were reflecting off the water's surface. There is where we began our date. Simple enough... Yet interesting enough to be an ice breaker. The slight tinge of blue to her old lips, warmed up with a quick kiss... Her frame shivering ever so slightly... The gentleman's response is the simple slip off with a jacket on her shoulders... Two things happened here;

               1. I get to put my arm around her, as if to stop the jacket from falling and to warm her up 

               2. I just showed her what she should be treated like.

Now I know that the women reading this are going to say something on the lines of "Not this again... -.-' " or "Ego much... O.o". Hey! Probably she thought it too but who cares... You just took control of a situation in less than 2 minutes and just got bumped up a few notches on the nice guy (and probably hotness) scale.

Listen ladies... Prince Charming doesn't exist! He's a normal guy who simply becomes Charming through loving his women!!! Just so you know... He makes mistakes too!!!

Now... where was I... Ah... Yeah... In those moments, I'm sure she already felt better about our situation. On a scale of 1 -10 on physical attractiveness... She would have been around an 8... Her shy and cute character... Maybe a 9 ;) 

First we went to watch a film... I bought the tickets (with snacks = approx 20 Euro) and it was for the First The Hobbit movie... She seemed interested so I had no worries... IT WAS GREAT!... Unfortunately, she did not enjoy it as much as I did. She seemed bored if anything else. Personally, despite being slightly slow at first, a world different from our own is refreshing... On the other hand, the other choice of film would have been something worse and more comedic. I thought a little drama would be exciting! 

Following the movie, we went for a round of bowling. She was pretty good, despite wearing tight jeans and cute long t-shirt/ dress thing, and beat me easily with a round to spare. Her mood became elated. She was winning points with me. After, I paid the receptionist (approx 15 Euro). 

Timing everything to the T, we ate at a local popular pub. We sat down comfortably and shared a starter. This was followed by a pitcher of Long Island Iced Tea and the arrival of our mains;1 large Fish and Chips, and a whopping 350g Angus Burger! Yum! After the dessert, I went to pay (approx 25 Euro)... Unfortunately, I was around 1 Euro short...I asked her reluctantly and after she helped me out, we left the restaurant.

The moment, we took a step out of the restaurant... Barely seconds later!!! I got into an argument with her... She decided to outline three points in the middle of a bar that would also make three reasons not the date her again!

               1. You have to pay everything! And don't ask a girl for money on a date!
               2. You don't know what a woman like me wants!
               3. You are not ready for a women like me! *gestures to her whole body from head to toe*

We walked back to my car without even glancing at each other... I drove her home and left her there... Never to speak with her again - yet she called me back and said that she thought we could sort out our issues! IT WAS OUR FIRST DATE!!! WHAT ISSUES!!!

I see you!!! Or rather... I don't see you!

Have you ever been on a blind date? And by that I don't mean a blind "you don't know her" date but a blind "I don't see you" date... (Maybe "No one will ever see you again" date has always happened.

Almost a week ago, I went on such a date... Weeks ago, my friend told me about this girl... She was smart, sexy, loud, foreign, fun and... best of all... didn't "judge people superficially" - HIS WORDS... Thinking that for once in my lifetime, they were actually going to be helpful and be nice to me.

I couldn't be more wrong...

I waited on a bench near the plaza. I was dressed in a plain blue blazer, white shirt, jeans and white trainers. Waiting there on a bench alone, I got the occasional stares but also met a few foreigners who suggested I join them for an evening round the town.

With the biggest smile I could muster and crushing the rebellion forming inside of me, I denied the offer and waited. I see this great looking red headed girl walking past me, arm-in-arm with a guy who would easily compete with Brad Pitt for God's gift to women. After a few paces, they stop and he takes out his phone.

My jacket starts ringing and surprisingly enough... That girl was my date... The first thing he told me was simply... "She's Blind."

AS I said, I'm neither one to judge but still... It was a small shock to my system... I didn't know what to say or how to respond at first. All I know is that at some point he disappeared and I was left stranded with this girl on my arm...

I assure you that unless you have ever dealt with a blind person... Its going to be kind of hard to talk to them without knowing how to begin. Fortunately for me... She started the conversation...

SHE JOKED ABOUT HERSELF BEING BLIND!!! AT THAT MOMENT, I ADMIRED HER COURAGE!!!

I will never forget the first joke she told me that day...

"Do you know why I don't do extreme sports?"

I looked back at her dumbfounded... I keep forgetting she can't see my face...

"My dog... I'm sure, it would scare the s*** out of him!"

I burst out laughing... Then we hit it off...

All in all, the date went well... Sort of... The stares that we got from people... The snide comments... It just shows that human beings are really scared of what they have never experienced!

I still and mistakes... She at least took it as a joke and knew I meant no harm. Believe me! Never mention the words "Have you ever SEEN/WATCHED ________?" Or "Do you have problems moving around form place to place?"

She answered me seriously and maybe appreciated that I asked her enough questions to satiate my curiosity. When we went for Chinese, I had to describe where everything was and she didn't make a single mess!

Over Chinese, we kept on chatting and told me about a few of the worst dates she ever had! She always had an answer for them!

Q: "How do you know you're blind?"
A: "Well... I woke up one morning and I had this little voice screaming in my head... She was telling me that the guy I was going to go on a date with was an idiot!"

Q: "How did you learn to walk?"
A: "Blind school! We've got blind teachers an' everything!"

Q: "Do you know where Lidl is?"
A: "Mhm... Look that way *lifts cane in any direction*. It's somewhere thataway!"

Q: "Do you Drive?"
A: "Yep! I stick my cane out the window and have a warning sign on my car. It says 'Give way! Blind person driving.' "

I've never laughed so hard in my life.

At the end of the date, I drove her home and despite us not dating, I still contact her every now and then and go watch a film. (She closes her eyes and just listens to the film, for those who are wondering!)

Friction Burns where no Burns should be!

I’ve dictated this story to a good girl-friend of mine and, as much as I wish it was, she said that the story sounds a lot like a fan-fiction novel… Unfortunately, it wasn’t fan-fiction and I have certain marks which will never leave me. 

(My girl-friend also described it as being the “perfect example of why one should not try out what you read in fanfiction in real life.” I tend to agree with her in that area – especially when it concerns the sexual relationship between two parties.)

Do you know of the game called Ring of Fire? For those who do not, it is a drinking game constituting of a pack of 52 cards laid face down in a circle around a large glass goblet. Each card is associated with an action or rule that must be obeyed throughout the remainder of the game.

The Order

The Rules

For example; each 2 nominates someone, <card picker’s choice>, to take a shot of alcohol.

Funnily enough, I still took part in this game, albeit I did not drink alcohol - due to being on medications, I drank soft-drink and juice concoctions… Most of which tasted much worse than a simple alcoholic drink. (Just imagine Sprite, Fanta and Coke mixed with pineapple and orange juice, with a teaspoon of blue Carcajou… *Trembling*)

That night, a huge group of colleagues, friends and acquaintances took part in this game; where in there was this one very luscious female Ukrainian girl (let me call her… Olga) taking part in this game, as well as the guy who I consider to be family. We made a silent deal that whoever got the 6 of hearts which represented that two people must be picked to make out together would make the other make out with that girl.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CONTENT SHOULD ONLY BE READ BY 18+

That night, I must have spent most of my luck. He got the card, I got the girl and we ended up in my hotel room for the night, having a night of meaningless, animalistic sex. Her nails turned my back into the remnants of a corpse from Sweeney Todd and my hands pressed her every button to the point where she turned into a pile of lustful flesh without any human reasoning left inside of her. After coitus (Thanks, Sheldon! – Big Bang Theory), this happened in a constant loop, where we slept a few hours at a time to re-energise ourselves; ordering food using room service and having mindless sex in every position physically possible using her flexibility and my strength. Even our next door neighbours complained about the screams and moans that echoed from across the balcony.

SEXUAL CONTENT IS FINISHED FROM THIS POINT ONWARDS

The morning of the third day, I woke up to an empty bed and a handwritten note saying simply:

“Thanks for a great weekend,

It was fun!

Olga

P.S. I’m Sore”

I felt used and betrayed that she abused me for the sexual encounter… Yet strangely proud for having such a satisfying weekend.

As a side note… This weekend also damaged my health slightly… I’ve mentioned it before and even though I have never heard of it happening before, I had friction burns across my… “instrument”…

MORAL OF THE STORY... Keep LUBE in Reach!!!

Kitty B: “Lube is your friend”

The American “Sexter”

The last photos I had received from a foreign colleague of mine were those of a pair of red, shiny and glittered cowboy boots which for some reason reminded me of Ted’s (HIMYM). She had asked me for an opinion on whether they were worth buying or not. Luckily enough they were for a girl and not for an odd and over-eccentric romantic Theodore Mosby.

Those were my last received photos… Till this week. This week a cute girl added me on Facebook and started chatting to me from across 7,387km. At first, the conversation was flowing and interesting till she began suggesting that this… “Relationship” (I shudder at the thought that this girl had already begun considering that this meek and innocent conversation we formed had already, in her mind, digressed into a long distance relationship) could be developed into a more… mature one... (I really want her to define what maturity is to her…)

I believed that the girl was simply fooling and joking with me until I began to receive the…images. Initially they were of her body in tight fitting outfits followed by images of her in less and less clothing… Till the only item she was left wearing was a skimpy piece of lace clothing surrounding her… lower waist.

As any other man, I have sexual desires but these photos still did not encourage me to pursue this “relationship” further and I informed her so… until the images became less and less appropriate for online conversation and descended into the realm of carnal lust. 

I tried to convince her that I was not interested… then she asked for nude poses of me in exchange for those of her… (In a similar fashion to that of American Pie 2, where Jim and Stiffler must role play activities for those two feisty female roommates.) I will not lie that it took me a few minutes to make my choice… One that I hopefully wouldn’t regret.

"zzzzz... Houston... We go lesbians... zzzzzzzzz"

Knowing the bare minimum about me, I made up the best excuse that suited the current moment and would stop her from posting any more photos to me – I told her solemnly, “I’ll talk to you later. One of my patients needs me.” This phrase elicited an overly emotional yet terse goodbye from her. To be honest... I regret missing out on her...

A week later, I found her posting photos of my home on our chat log. She had visited most of the places that I frequented and after each message, she wrote “I was waiting for you here!”

I’ve never been so grateful for the Block function of Facebook till that day.